Trials- The Unexpected

Today I experienced something that no one can prepare themselves for. If you read through my past posts since March 10th, that I had patiently been waiting to make public...Today I was and supposed to be 9 weeks and 5 days pregnant.

For the last couple of day, I had noticed that my pregnancy symptoms had been disappearing. I began to panic, but tried to remain calm and stay positive. Last night I decided that I really needed to pray to my Heavenly Father and talk with him one on one and let him know all my concerns. I needed answers. I felt scared, nervous, anxious, and just down right depressed. I have been great at observing my symptoms and have watched every little detail of this pregnancy because like most people...it's a scary thing and having a Miscarriage is something I am terrified of. After pleading with my Heavenly Father and asking him to comfort me and to keep this baby safe and healthy, I went to bed.

Last night was rough. I got up a couple of times wishing I could feel any sort of symptom, but nothing was there, not one single thing. I had been used to waking up at least three times I night nauseous and sick. I began to break down in tears and I felt the overwhelming feeling that I was going to lose our baby.

I got up this morning, called Dr. Spencer and they got me in immediately. There it was on the screen, a beautiful little baby measuring only two days behind, but no heartbeat. My heart dropped as the thoughts began to run through my head. I felt alone, horrified, and completely empty inside thinking that this baby went back to heaven only two days ago. Dr. Spencer was so supportive and talked with me, explaining that this wasn't it and that in a couple of months we could try again.

Today has been one of the most difficult days in my life...probably the hardest. I feel so hurt right now, full of a lot of sadness and grief. At the same time I feel comforted that everything is going to be okay. I know my Heavenly Father loves me and that he desires for me to be happy. At times we are given trials in our lives and though they don't make much sense to us now, we will know one day why we had to endure such pain. I am struggling right now and I probably will be for the next little while...It's hard to think I have to start this process over. I felt like I was getting so far and then the unexpected happened. It was only two weeks ago that I saw a healthy little heart. In the lords time is what I keep telling myself...this is hard and if anyone knows how I feel it would be him.

So for now...I will continue to have faith. I will continue to smile and know that when it is time I will get the chance to be a mom for I know the Lord has a plan for me and will continue to bless my life. I am so grateful for the love and support John and I have received today. This is exactly why I told those people I was pregnant because I knew if something were to happen, they would be there for me.

I will try to be strong. I will try to positive. I will try to understand the lords plan for me. I am blessed...I know it, it's just one of those things I am supposed to go through...not sure why, but I have faith that things will work out for the best. So while I recover and get better I want that little spirit who has returned to heaven to know how much we love it and can't wait for the day when we get to be a mommy and a daddy... in the Lords time.

Tomorrow I have surgery...please keep me and John in your prayers.